you've been had!

[spiderpig]

I think people are starting to realize that I am not me anymore. Or rather, 2001-2007 Tan Min Qi Alicia is long gone and I'm just well, not very robust and lively in terms of anything. How do I convince the people (nearly everyone who has known me for more than 2 years) that I am no longer that person. I lost that brain, that heart, that soul somewhere along the train-tracks while I was speeding into a life which I now, am not very happy with. It gives me untold amounts of pressure. This is what they mean when they say, the past will come back to haunt you. I have it thrown in my face everyday, apple pies of regret. My mother persistently refers to me in the past tense - my future, for her, is cast in a Botero sculpture minus the beautiful balloon-like fullness. I wish I was one. Plump and bursting at the seams with life -- a fruitful indulgence for life that only can remain inanimated, because if it was contained in a more blood-filled vessel, it would rampage about and devour all of God's creations. So it needs to remain set in stone, carved with tart love and sealed in a shiny veneer so that no one can touch it and awaken it from slumber.

What the fuck am I talking about.

I need to set up a timetable to force myself to study consistently. Second week of school and I'm already behind on my readings. Not very behind - just a couple, but still. This will trip me up in the future if I don't do something about it. But I've been too distracted, daydreaming about bouncing babies amongst books, and having tea in heavy porcelain mugs.

Which reminds me, I need to haul up some of my old poems to send them to Moniza. And write a strapping review of Fables for her to put into Infusion too. I don't really want to buy another edition of The Tempest because I went a little mad after the A Levels and bought the Complete Arden Shakespeare but there's no way I'm lugging that to school with the Freud Reader and the 324839423 other books I have to read. My pointer is currently hovering over The Life and Adventures of a Module and thinking of whether I should just post my response without thinking it through. I'm terribly afraid of making a fool of myself but after observing Hemingyay for the past one and a half years, I've come to realize that I must go forth and become utterly ridiculous in order to succeed. I wish I wasn't so afraid.

Comments

[spiderpig.livejournal.com]

now we're all neurotic and scared which is funny because we ought to be more sure of ourselves, know what we can do and what our personalities can let us do

exactly! haahah, i'm slowly kicking away this shell :D

NO. HAAHAH. WHAT? i only have HOOKED, which is dying at the moment because the world of US hosting servers and uncommitted freshies is giving a whole host of problems. XD i hope we survive the year! O_O