you've been had!

[spiderpig]

I think people are starting to realize that I am not me anymore. Or rather, 2001-2007 Tan Min Qi Alicia is long gone and I'm just well, not very robust and lively in terms of anything. How do I convince the people (nearly everyone who has known me for more than 2 years) that I am no longer that person. I lost that brain, that heart, that soul somewhere along the train-tracks while I was speeding into a life which I now, am not very happy with. It gives me untold amounts of pressure. This is what they mean when they say, the past will come back to haunt you. I have it thrown in my face everyday, apple pies of regret. My mother persistently refers to me in the past tense - my future, for her, is cast in a Botero sculpture minus the beautiful balloon-like fullness. I wish I was one. Plump and bursting at the seams with life -- a fruitful indulgence for life that only can remain inanimated, because if it was contained in a more blood-filled vessel, it would rampage about and devour all of God's creations. So it needs to remain set in stone, carved with tart love and sealed in a shiny veneer so that no one can touch it and awaken it from slumber.

What the fuck am I talking about.

I need to set up a timetable to force myself to study consistently. Second week of school and I'm already behind on my readings. Not very behind - just a couple, but still. This will trip me up in the future if I don't do something about it. But I've been too distracted, daydreaming about bouncing babies amongst books, and having tea in heavy porcelain mugs.

Which reminds me, I need to haul up some of my old poems to send them to Moniza. And write a strapping review of Fables for her to put into Infusion too. I don't really want to buy another edition of The Tempest because I went a little mad after the A Levels and bought the Complete Arden Shakespeare but there's no way I'm lugging that to school with the Freud Reader and the 324839423 other books I have to read. My pointer is currently hovering over The Life and Adventures of a Module and thinking of whether I should just post my response without thinking it through. I'm terribly afraid of making a fool of myself but after observing Hemingyay for the past one and a half years, I've come to realize that I must go forth and become utterly ridiculous in order to succeed. I wish I wasn't so afraid.

Comments

[aerianta.livejournal.com]

i know, you'd think we'd be less afraid as we grow up, wouldn't you, considering the pitfalls of puberty and the treacherous terrain of adolescence? but i'd like to think that because we were less knowledgeable about the world then, we could try anything we wanted because we thought we still had the rest of our lives to fail, laugh at our mistakes and try again. now we're all neurotic and scared which is funny because we ought to be more sure of ourselves, know what we can do and what our personalities can let us do - so don't be afraid anymore, just do your best :)

also aren't you crazy-accomplished for a 20-year-old. you seem to be working for a lot of things.

[http://users.livejournal.com/tsu_/]

I don't think people grow up away from themselves, people grow up to become more like themselves. Maybe in the 2 years you've changed, but you've changed to become more like Alicia rather than less than.....because how can you ever be any less than your past self? For me; change exists in 2 ways. There's the kind of change which is like dropping a rock into a lake, full of splash and ripples and dramatic. But there's also the kind of change where maybe the lake is filled by an underground pipe, and slowly over the years all the water is changed inside - but on the surface, it just looks exactly the same. Still.

Don't be too hard yourself and just let things happen. Growing up isn't about knowing more, it's about realising how little you actually know and appreciating the vast unknowness that is our world.

[aerianta.livejournal.com]

omg alicia the waseda application form is like 22 fucking pages!! how did you manage to complete it :|

[(Anonymous)]

you don't HAVE to be like "Hemingyay" to succeed. his is just one model which has sort of been put on a pedestal. unfortunately nus is too full of ikan bilis and so it pretty much goes unchallenged.