A Tan

I have been reading!

For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul wears out the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And Love itself have rest.

-Lord Byron

Holy Sonnets: Death, be not proud


Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

-John Donne

(I remember having this as my last PC exercise during JC2, but I never did hand it up!)

Excerpt from Darkness

A fearful hope was all the world contain'd;
Forests were set on fire--but hour by hour
They fell and faded--and the crackling trunks
Extinguish'd with a crash--and all was black.

-Lord Byron

Reading up for my own enrichment (oh wow, I sound like an educational spokesperson!) and for upcoming classes next sem. University has made me read less, much to my disappointment.

Anyway! I am definitely getting these lovely Moleskine City notebooks once they're out!

( Feed my soul! )

( random band ranting )

I wanted to get Tales of Beedle the Bard for my two younger boy cousins but I couldn't find them at Kino (a.k.a I did not want to navigate the throng of people there) so I picked out two pocket versions of the Iggulden brother's Dangerous Book for Boys. To my surprise, they were lovely reads! Yes yes, I read my cousin's presents. I can't help myself. I just read whatever I have at hand - shampoo bottles, sauce bottles, pamphlets, newspapers, magazines - if it has print I'll read it.

I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of poetry that was included in one of the volumes! (I think it was the Facts, Figures and Fun one?)

( Iggulden's Dangerous Book for Boys )

I mean, the oodles of (good) poetry in there astounded me. And made me more certain that the boys should be getting this book for Christmas. Not only are the nuggets of information delicious fun, there is poetry! I wish that there were books like these when I was a kid! Though, I would've never gotten them for Christmas because I'm not a boy. I'll be adding these lovely books (even though I'm still not a boy) to my collection soon. I love the fact that they're hard-cover cloth books, which makes them really pretty on the bookshelf. Plus, their spines will hold up to the obvious wear and tear. Cheers to the Iggulden brothers for putting together what I think is an awesome book for children (and children at heart)!

Anyway, off to read more and need to wrap presents for the maternal family christmas party tomorrow! My mum wants to pair ham and oranges together. :\

Just caught the latest episode of Overdrive (along with Claymore), and I have nothing much to say about it. The OP is catchy and well-suited for the overall theme of the series... The animation's smooth and I like the character designs (the manga art seems to be much more individualistic and less eroge-ish. No seriously. The anime's chara-designs remind me of School Days for some odd reason.) Mmm look at those legs move on the pedals. Though the camera angles make the pedalling look really fucking weird at times - the cyclists legs become distorted and awfully like stumps. But as a sports anime, it doesn't catch hold of my attention like Slam Dunk.

So I switched back to Claymore. Which I think one animeblogger described as Rurouni Kenshin's spiritual successor.


( Anyway here's the results of my placement test. )

There is a sense of dissatisfaction whenever I hear about Law, and lawyers. I keep on thinking, if only. If only I had just worked a bit harder, if only I had prayed a little more. It's an odd feeling, to be happy yet so torn away from something that should have been in my grasp. It's wishing, it's dreaming that contributes the most to depression, for when these hopes are dashed, you are left with less than what you even had. I might not be the smartest kid on the block to even have such dreams (let's get int my self-berating mode) but it was a possibility. There was a chance of becoming.

All that I'm left with now, is to kick some ass in my faculty(s) and just prove to myself that I shouldn't carry on this self-pitying act any longer. It's one thing to feel sad, it's another thing to carry on feeilng sad.

If I can help it, I'll most probably be taking 7 modules this semester. :D()() It's a massive pick-and-choose kind of decision because I have to decide - do I want to take this instead of this? Or this instead of this? Classes clash, exam times clash... It's a logistical nightmare. A crazy 5-day week but no matter, my days end rather short and with 6-7modules I can't expect to have anything less than a full week at school. :D() So it'd be about 24-28MCs this semester if I can wrangle it. I'd hate to take just 5 modules. ;x zomg kill the nerd now.

At the moment, it's more or less:

• News and Publication writing module (USP)
• Samurai, Geisha as Self or Other (Japanese studies) or Post-War Japanese Film and Anime
• Introduction to Japanese Studies (Japanese Studies / Faculty Exposure (?) )
• Evolution (USP - Science)  or Space, Time and Matter
• Negotiating Moral Issues or The Civilizations of India and Contemporary Indian Communities (USP - Arts, counts towards Faculty Exposure hurrah)
• Intro to Literary Analysis (Eng Lit)
• Japanese 2 (wails ;__; Japanese Studies required Language module)

ZOMG I AM A TOTAL NERD. A bonafide kiasu nerd. I'd hate to drop anything and I just want to bury myself with work. The good thing about this is that if everything goes my way, I get let off fairly early from school (except on killer Thursdays) and I don't have to wake up freakishly Primary/Secondary School kind of early either. So I'll probably be able to squish in some clubs and societies. :D I might even be able to join Kendo? Which is on Monday and Thursday evenings? I'm definitely joining the Jazz Band though.

--Audition, 18 & 25 Aug ‘07 , 10-4pm
■ Centre For the Arts (CFA) Studios

Requirements:
■ Scales of up to 4 sharps and flats
■ Play or sing 1 piece of your choice
■ Sight-reading

Then again maybe not.

This freaks the bejeezus out of me because I haven't touched my baritone in ages and er. er. I suck at scales. :D() Piece-wise I'll probably sneak in one that've I've rocked on before (just have to find it). I WILL DIE AT SIGHT-READING. BUT HOPEFULLY Y'KNOW, THEY NEED BARITONE SAXOPHONISTS, AND CLOSE ONE EYE. Or rather, close both ears. I mean, I'm a gimmick in itself! A short baritone saxophonists who looks like her baritone!!!

Then again maybe I'll put this (Jazz band) on hold and go for some editorial stuff. HOOKED apparently is looking for journalists so... I'll probably give it a shot?

In other news, I have a huge bone to pick with journailst Stephanie Yap! WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THE SPOILERS IN YOUR 2 PAGE REPORT? No seriously. While I already spoiled myself, I'm quite sure that many other readers haven't read the book and don't wish to be spoiled in any event. The whole article was basically one big fat spoiler and I'm like "WTF?" I mean, there is a line between providing details and providing spoilers. Not everyone wants to know that XXXX had a XXXX for XXXX or that XXXX had XXXXXX along with XXXXX. (Random mashing of Xs. No relation to names at all.) D: Dude, don't spoil the poor public. Let them READ. Let them enjoy, hate, moan, wail with the book.

Famikko makes me want to have a Scottish Fold. <3 It's so cute. I want a Scottish Fold to molest my game systems!

So I have a few packages zipping down from Japan and Hong Kong within the next few weeks - which means much less money to eat with. :D I'm getting back into my otaku mode now! Hurrah! Now I just have to get off my lazy ass and start filling up the missing volumes I need for my manga library. That is, if I manage to pull myself away from Moero! Nekketsu Rhythm Damashii Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan 2 !!!!!!!!!11oneone. It's coming along with the Rakubiki Jiten (from Play-Asia). Then my Yes-Asia package consists of the It's A Wonderful World Accessory set (the game, I'm getting next month. The game looks AWESOME. 'slike, the dual-screen fighting makes me a very happy camper!) and a random DS cleaning cloth needed for free shipping. Then HLJ's sending over my D. Gray Man pass case plus the Version 2 Rei and Asuka Pinkies releasing in August. Ah. I love getting back into this lifestyle. :D

A small side-note here: the people you hang around with will change who you are. It's sad because I've seen/currently seeing first hand case-studies of this. That being sad, hanging around computers these past few months has made me rather... machine-like. :D()() I go into SLEEP mode and see everything in 20inches only.

The Great Mac Plan is currently being subverted by my parents (AH SCRIVENER! ))): I WILL NEVER GET YOU!) so looks like I'll have to wait for my current shared laptop to konk out (which probably won't die very soon - since my dad's own laptop is currently going strong at 7 years!!!!!). Actually besides the beautiful OS X Leopard being my main reason, I very much wanted Scrivener. Plus, Adobe CS 3 which comes with all NUS notebook tenders. :D()

OH WELL. Y'KNOW. I WISH MONEY GREW ON TREES.

Scouring the 'net for Windows alternatives at the moment. :\

So anyway kids, the moral of the story is that notebook/laptop brands don't really make much of a difference. Though, I'd recommend to stay away from lower-end Fujitsus. (Read: lower end) Acer provides good bang for buck, seriously. If you have a bit more cash, shell out for a SONY VAIO. My dad's is 7 years old and still working rather well (laggy at times but what can you do with a Pentium M processor?). Otherwise, Toshiba ain't too bad. I have a Toshiba laptop from ages ago and it still boots up and functions rather well - albeit no internet capabilities since it's like friggin 8 or 9 years old.

I think I should stop the techie rant. :D()

AGH. WHAT THE F- IS WRONG WITH ME EH?

WHY AM I SPEAKING LIKE THIS EH?

It's the situation where you don't want to click and read anymore, but you still do. FOR AN HOUR. >_<

But yes, this is completely random but I do not understand where my bras have all gone. (As Ellyne would say, "thanks for the information~~") On a more serious note, this is an important mystery for me to uncover! I thought they were all in the wash, but for A WEEK? Someone has been pilfering very horrible and old bras. :\

While at this same period of time a year, and two years ago, I was whining about the incessant band practices, I am now sitting (very literally) in an ironic position. What brings me to this topic? I met Sir and Marc, hurrah for fellow librarians, at Borders on Saturday. I think it was Saturday. Or maybe it was even yesterday. I am disgressing, the fact is that I met them and well, I miss band so much. I don't mind taking back the late practices, the insanely long hours of standing to practice ensemble pieces, crying because I can't get the part right, obsessing over the messy library of scores - I take them all back. I miss griping and complaining about music, about people, about the stress and how I can't study for tomorrow's history test because of fucking band. I want it all back and damn it Zahid get your ass down and give Brother Paul a proposal he can't reject!! Then I can go back.

Go back.

I have to report to work soon. Soon is beginning to be relative to me. It has expanded from half an hour to an hour to now, even four hours on. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things, like how there are nice people there who definitely make my day better and how (as everyone seems to emphasise) I am surrounded by books. I object though, I'd much rather be surrounded by books in a library. Seriously, the extent of being surrounding of books begins to get to me. Books belong on shelves, on tables, in hands, but not on the floor.

While I might not exactly take the best care of my books (I leave them open, spine all crumpled etcetc), I always take care of other people's books. Why can't people get it? You can read all the books, but jolly well treat them well if they aren't yours! People complain of our books being in bad condition but turn their backs and almost immediately damage a book themselves. Like what the? Hypocrisy to the limit.

I spent around an hour or so catching up with Sim on the phone. Before she called, I realized that despite our years of friendship, we've never really talked on the phone much. We've been more of a meet-in-person, sms-like-crazy, MSN messenger like there's no tomorrow kind.

(That last sentence so did not make sense.)

But yeah, we talked, we gossipped, we whined. And I thought, it's a fucking pity she can't go to Japan with me.

I admit, I'm apprehensive about going by myself. I can always take up my cousin's offer but... I don't know. If I'm required to stay all of three weeks - I can't possibly do that as much as I'd like to.

Anyway, lunch. The carbon-blocker my mum gave me should be doing its stuff by now.

FRIDAY:

I was given false information! The lady at Tenchi's Vivocity said that there were like vacancies and stuff but nooooooooo, I called up the head office and they have no jobs available. SADNESS.

"After I met him, I thought it's not time to give up on my life yet."

Argh, I'm damn fucking pissed of with the whole NTU MUN thing. I didn't happen to go for the 11 Dec Public Briefing (fuck lah, Borders ruins my life) because of work and now I'm totally lost. No one has contacted me at all about the Press Corps even though I know that I'm in. I don't know which division I'm in or who's my Press Head. I contacted the Sec-Gen but just got directed to the Press Director who hasn't been replying my enquiries. There's supposed to be a Pre-Council meeting tomorrow and I'm not sure if I have to go because "I have to check with my Press Head'.

Seriously though, why can someone just be a bit proactive and just tell me the information I want instead of pushing me around to different people?! Now I'm not even sure if my registration fucked up and I'm not in the thing? I'm irritated and I don't even feel like going for the main event since I mean, what are the Heads doing? Why are they not contacting their writers/editors?

Tried calling again. :\ If no one calls back well.

My dad says to go and gatecrash the thing but hi it's all the way at Jurong. Just a little bit far don't you think? I don't want to go all the way to the other end of the country at 10am only to find out fuck, I'm not in the thing (then why did they fucking e-mail be back in December), or fuck I'm not supposed to be there.

MONDAY:

Spring in Fialta - Vladimir Nabokov  

"Look here -- what if I love you?"

That's probably one of the most... compelling lines I've ever seen. It's short, it's sweet, but it holds so much more. The 'look here' acts as not only directing the character into listening, but also the reader to subconsciously divert all their attention to that line. Gosh.

Yes it's Monday. I went out on Saturday with Sim for a crazy fun time stuffing ourselves silly at Sakae Sushi's lunch buffet and then window shopping at "Hi there I earn more that 2.5k a month" shops. I love hanging out with Sim, and it apins me that I might not be able to go to Japan with her because of her mom. D: She's probably the only person who I want to go with, other than certain people including GMUFC. All 9 of us have been through years of sorrows and joys together, and even as we don't meet all that often, I'd like to believe that we still have that level of understanding that we used to have.

Window-shopping with Sim's always fun. We don't have the exact same tastes or likes, but it just goes. We have fun, we make horrible jokes and we laugh. I count her as one of my very best friends and this post is turning rather sentimental, haha.

Well yes, while hanging out with her and just about 1/2 an hour before work started, Leon called to ask about some webcomic thing which he wanted me to partake in.

That's that and he forgot to go online after I came back from work and uh yeah I'm not needed anymore because of the awesomeness of free stripcreators. So no doodles at the moment folks! 9_9

TUESDAY:

It's only Tuesday and I'm friggin' excited for alumni band this Saturday. I'm always going to keep Saturday nights free no matter what, even if that means having to work on Sunday or on awful days. I miss my one true love, my saxophone so much, that I'm willing to give up food and money for it. Seriously though, it might be too sentimental and whacked out for me to love an inanimate object so much but I feel like crying everytime I listen to instrumental music. There is that feeling of "fuck, I used to do that" and the surge of emotion when you know what your fellow musicians are feeling in producing that piece of music. I miss playing in the band, I miss being controlled and controlling the music that's in front of me. I miss my bandmates. Work has stripped me of most of these things I used to revel in, that I used to take pride in. It'd be a pity to give up something that I worked so hard to attained. Even Sir told me that I shouldn't give up playing - perhaps, just a consolatory piece of advice - but nevertheless, I was satiated. I was talented in some ways, I am still talented.

Above all, I enjoyed it.


Today's Wednesday. I just came back from dinner with Clare.

I don't know.

I'd like to believe that...

But I know I can't.

:D OH WELL. WORK TOMORROW. I shall go make happy love explosions with books.

From Rachel's tagboard:
xiao an: every day i meet people like you and kai wen and alicia and zhong ming i feel like i'm in the wrong stream. haha.

WTF LA XIAO AN. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Craaaaaaaaaazy.

( Band Investiture )

I'm going to miss you. You're not an it - you're an entity by itself, band. To think that I'll hardly get to touch or feel my loved saxophone for God knows how many years, when I've been living on it for nearly 6 years. It's a sad parting, bittersweet - more bitter though. I don't know how exactly to describe how I feel, it's all the more complicated to understand. It's more than hating or loving the band, you just can't leave it. Rather, the cliche comes to mind: you can take the person out of band, but you can't take band out of the person.

Parasitic eh?

The PTM today was uh, quite useless for the most part. Which meant, the part where we went and met Lao Shi for the most redundant meeting ever. :\

But omg, my dad should like so win an Emmy for the "psycho dad" award. Have you watched "8 Simple Rules to Dating My Teenage Daughter"? God, he acted exactly like the father there. Our game-plan was for him to simple ask why the fuck I wasn't picked for enrichment and would the school help me get an A if that was possible? But nooo, he had to be the drama-papa and suddenly go on this typical Asian father mode and starting condemning my C and how I was lousy and horrible and needed help and I needed remedial and why didn't I get an A!!!

O_o Woah dad. And he refused to make eye-contact with JTan because he wanted to project this FIERCE aura - which obviously doesn't work with JTan - and she ended up giving up trying to make eyecontact with him and just focused on my mum and me. JTan though, was lovely. I was tickled by her introduction which went something along the lines of "Hello I'm Mrs Tan, ahah Tan and Tan!" and my mum went, "Ah, yes I'm Mrs Tan too". X3

So again, she came up with that whole line about how I write too exuberantly, and too vivaciously and while that enthusiasm is a boon, it is a bane because examiners tend not to like (as Mr Kurtz Leon puts it) exciting writing styles. I need to write in a more boring manner, apparently. D: Egads. But yes, my dad snorted when she said that I was too exuberant and that I took extreme stands when I write (uh... aren't you supposed to TAKE A STAND but COUNTERARGUE, which I do?!?! I mean, I used to sit on the fence, but they didn't like that either) which made me quite mortified. But overall, JTan's quite confident that I can get straight As? Hurhurhur, what a farcical joke! But anyway, she's managed to convivnce my father that I am really quite good and uh, one of the better ones and that I do not benefit from the mass general enrichment and that I should just have consulations with her. Haha, compliment or what! I'm quite... relieved that she really does think I'm something. SOMETHING. She was telling my darling father that I need some tips for exam-management because I uh, underperform and flake out.

The biggest joke though, was when she made my father LAUGH by telling him how I always joined in T06's fun instead of trying to get them to toe the line. Hahahaha T06 DO YOU READ THIS? Guess dressing up as the Indian Man wasn't such a great idea afterall! The guys in T06 are much more fun after I did that crazy stunt. Alright, I'll keep you guys in line - but fun is fun after all. All work and no play makes Baba a dull girl! Still though, haha I'm amused that she thinks that I can actually keep the discussion mature - when I don't take part in the discussion.


Met Rachel Law after PTM for an afternoon of god-sent, heavenly, foodgasmtastic pastry and cake tastings. Oh God, the pastry at Provence and the Mont Blanc at Cafe Rosso are the absolutely most gorgeous gorgeosity (pastry) I've ever eaten. I will never look at pastry and cakes the same way. God, Rachel, I love you for bringing me there. I will need a whole entry by itself to describe the cakes and pastries by themselves.

I had an awesome time with Clare in the late afternoon! I love her house, and her brother Mr Kurtz the infamous Leon Ryan (I feel like I'm doing some classified ad) was the epitome of geekiness - albeit the cool geekiness. <3s! Geek culture! All geeks of the world unite! I fell in love with her ahahah, lazy cat Spider, who stole my glass of water and like, left fur all over me. <3333s

Okay. Kateigaho time.

I took one of my hands from his and placed my glass of wine at the edge of the table.
"It's going to fall," he said.
"Exactly. I want you to tip it over the edge."
"Break the glass?"
Yes, break the glass. A simple gesture, but one that brings up fears we can't really understand. What's wrong with breaking an inexpensive glass, when everyone has done so unintentionally at some time in their life?
"Break the glass?" he repeated. "Why?"
"Well, I could give you lots of reasons," I answered. "But actually, just to break it."
"For you?"
"Of course not."
He eyed the glass on the edge of the table -- worried that it might fall.
It's a rite of passage, I wanted to say. It's something prohibited. Glasses are not purposely broken. In a restaurant or in our home, we're careful not to place glasses on the edge of a table. Our universe requires that we avoid letting glasses fall to the floor.
But when we break them by accident, we realize that it's not very serious. The waiter says, "It's nothing," and when has anyone been charged for a broken glass? Breaking glasses in part of life and does no damage to us, to the restaurant, or to anyone else.
I bumped the table. The glass shook but didn't fall.
"Careful!" he said, instinctively.
"Break the glass," I insisted.
Break the glass, I thought to myself, because it's a symbolic gesture. Try to understand that I have broken things within myself that were much more important than a glass, and I'm happy I did. Resolve your own internal battle, and break the glass.
Our parents taught us to be careful with glasses and with our bodies. They taught us that the passions of childhood are impossible, that we should not flee from priests, that people cannot perform miracles, and that no one leaves on a journey without knowing where they are going.
Break the glass, please -- and free us from all these damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for everything, from doing only what others approve of.
"Break the glass," I said again.
He stared at me. Then, slowly, he slid his hand along the tablecloth to the glass. And with a sudden movement, he pushed it to the floor.
The sound of the breaking glass caught the waiter's attention. Rather than apologize for having broken the glass, he looked at me, smiling -- and I smiled back.
"Doesn't matter," shouted the waiter. - By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, by Paulo Coelho

I'm in a slump. A real bad slump. I hardly feel inspired to finish my HOD essay, other than my utterly selfish reason as to preserve my current 40/50 status and be the first person in class to get 40 twice, because... its so analytical. I hate being forced to be relevant, to be precise in minute detail. I want to freedom to throw out ideas, to analyse even things like why is that fullstop there because I can, and because of the intricacy of things. Like Tsu, its the desire to know - to be kaypoh - that's the best part about enjoying literature, not fitting into whatever box they give you. I want to spill over.

So when you give me a question on how the effects show the themes... I can't do anything but to aquiese to your request. I enjoy analysing and interpretting the passages, the books - but there is always that moment when it's just forced. It's a chore.

2 themes through and I'm already hitting the 800 word mark. Looks like a long essay and a long night.

What pisses me off now is the fact that the ensemble people were only supposed to assemble at 5pm. I end at either 1 or 2pm and I gladly accept the time in between to effing finish my work and catch up on a bit of studying in the library. Now I get the mesasge that we have to assemble at 3:30pm. Well excuse me, I never signed up for any of this ensemble shit. While I love my instrument and the music I play, I think the song is absolutely boring and I'm even more ticked off with the fact that I'm only performing because there are no effing J1 baritone saxophonists. Now listen here, I do not want to spend my last week of band, much less my very last time in band as an official band member slogging away for more than 3 hours being shouted at or yelled at. It is beneath my dignity to be submitted to such banalities. I am honestly sick and tired of all this shit.

So ensemble, you get to rob 3 hours from my life. Are you happy now? Are you absolutely joyous?

Post to be edited later.

Now?

Night will be devoted to Japanese and SAT preparation.

I've got to get down to it someday.

I have three essays due and I haven't gotten down to doing any one of them. So much for being hardworking. I can give the excuse that inspiration hasn't struck me yet, but still that's an excuse.

EDIT:

I sat outside his class (his, or his?) this morning during sectionals while I was tutoring the new J1s about the saxophone fingerings. The class was locked, the window panes tilted open. Speaks much about human relationships, doesn't it? We're all 'so near yet so far' if I may use the cliche.

Everday I've been sitting. Sitting and waiting. Have I been too passive in everything that I do?

JTan, in a bid to reward the excellent debate and Party campaigns for the past few tutorials, brought a DVD full of Singapore short films for us to watch.

Maybe they had horrible cinematography, but the sentiments portrayed in the films were certainly endearing and felt. 'Locusts' was heartwarming. I loved the ending where it just echoed not just of the typical romantic love but love of all kinds. Paraphrased badly, out there somewhere know that I like you.

But what, embarrassingly made me cry, was "Mu (Mother)". Firstly, it was in Chinese. I have a soft spot for all things chinese, and it being my mother-tongue, anything remotely emotional or poetic will send me into throes of tears. It's uncanny how "Mu" struck a chord in me. Sweaters are lovely for times like this, when I can bury half my face in it, and pray that perhaps no one noticed me crying.

Why did I cry?

I was reminded, as a sob caught in my throat, of the horrible things I did to my mum. The absymal way I treated her - all when I was a child. I felt the injustice that mothers would feel, and how insensitive, how selfish I was. God, I had flashbacks of when I wanted my mother to die, and hovered over her bed in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors. Of course I never attempted to kill her, just placing the scissors on her dressing table. As a warning? As a sign that I was screwed up somewhere. I remembered the first time I did it, accompanied with a paper full of childish scribbles that proclaimed "I hate you, I want you to die!", you scolded me. I never noticed until now, when I look back, the sadness in your voice. It was not fear you had, it was disappointment. Where had you gone wrong, what had gone wrong - that made me like this.

Then, death threats got so frequent that you just silently, but reproachfully, returned the implements of impending doom back to their place and sorrowfully threw away my notes of hate.

I'm sorry mum. I never meant to hurt you that way. I never meant to wound your emotions.

And as I remembered that, I cried. The boy who sought out every way to spite his mother, his image rang firmly in my mind.

If I can get my hands on that DVD, I will. I need it for carthartic release. I need it to tell me that I am...

So, when the clip ended as the bell rang, I just pretended to look up at the ceiling and used my sweater to dab the salty water away.

Don't look at me.

Please forgive me. I know you have, but it means so much more when I say it out loud.

please, don't look at me that way. it was unbearable for me. i don't know what to do.

CJC Symphonic Band Concert
22nd April 2006
Performing Arts Centre at CJC
1900hours
$10
Free Seating

We'll be playing pieces like Johan De Meij's Lord of the Rings (Movements 1,3,5), The Incredibles, Spartacus and Overture 1812.

Contact me through my HP or comment here to get tickets.

YES! I am free from band for 4 band practices. No need to worry about wtf scores and dreading band and wanting it to end quickly... We are relatively free for a week or so.

Which brings us closer to CTs. So if I want to have any hope of doing my Lit S Paper, I've got to kick my ass into shape and study hard enough to average around Cs for my remaining two subjects. No mean feat, but if I could have gotten a B for my Physics during O Levels, I do believe I can do anything!

I'm nearly done with the UN SBQ which needs to be handed up tomorrw, and just finished with my horrendous SEA Economic/Political essay which is really rubbish. :\ I'm probably going to get Manyan and Michelle to go over it tomorrow because y'know they're clever and stuff. :x I was supposed to have finished my Middle East essay and my touched-up CW essay but I'm quite behind time. I still have the LDJ CA assignment due on Friday. But not bad lah, 2 out of 3 essays finished. I just hope I pass the latest SEA essay because rahhh don't want to be demoralized anymore. Now I'm puzzled the remedial scheme of work says that there's a DISCUSSION tomorrow. Well technically we're suppposed to do an essay outline? I don't know. Kevin's class doesn't need to do it so...

High on caffeine right now, sorry for incoherncy.

Band was... I wish I wasn't at band today.

YARGH. Keynes' Theory of Income Determination DRQ test (oh I love acronyms) tomorrow and I'm like still @__@ about it. One reason why I'm leaving my Nationalism outline til tomorrow (if I have to do it at all), is because of the fucking econs test.

I hate school with a passion. Or rather, I just hate this school.

I like studying and learning new things, just not like this. :\ How else? I don't know though.

Oh yes. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, how could I forget! Most of my classmates had hot dates (phoaarr!) and er, I had a heaving good time with Mr United Nations. Mmm, he's good in bed. ;D I so far have received lots of candddyy <3 and I'm feeling guilty because I didn't give anything out. Hurhur, I think I got tired of making gifts from back in St Nicks. TOO BAD GUYS. NO HANDMADE FELT STUFFS FOR YOU.

weaksauce! has been a very good friend to be for the past day. I love the fact that the battery doesn't die off after like 10 songs? XD

William Shatner's Ideal Woman is hot sex.

I told Marianne today that I can't be bothered anymore. I can't feel anything within me to get bothered about it anymore. I'm so sick and tired of being in this... suspension, this state of wanting to be something yet nothing is happening. Whoever said that taking the initiative was good? I'm taking the backseat now. Let me put my head face down into a pool of Arial font size 10 words and drink in the pungent inky smell. You have morphine, whisky and God knows what else, I have ink-sniffing.

drowned out all the pain.

Major complaining session ahead, just warning you first.

Ugh. This is probably one of the shittiest band practices this year. I rarely get so worked up about band and all the rubbish it throws on me. Don't get me wrong, I still love band. Its just that I get extremely pissed off by some things lah.

OKAY ONE SECOND FROM MY RANT I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING : OMGWTFBBQ?! and SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT. I'm such an idiot. Okay.

Anyway, I got to band early to try and clear up the piles and piles of library scores. I think Marianne noticed that I was getting kinda frazzled because she kept on asking if I was alright. Thanks Mari :D I really appreciate it. Well, we managed to sort out most of the rubbish we had just in time before band started. There's still alot left so late-comers you can't escape. >D

... Jazz band was utterly horrible for the first half. I was left in tears because I was nearly at my breaking point for so many other things. It was no one else's fault but mine, I can only say that. I've been making all the entrance mistakes, all the timing and rhythm mistakes... Sigh. I think I kinda shocked them both. Hyperventilating isn't fun kids, breathing in deeply is. After that it got a bit better during combined jazz band practice. Practice makes perfect, but sadly I need an obscene amount of practice. It's... Tiring sometimes. And tiring isn't your sort of normal tired, or jaded feelings. It's just, you know. Thanks Kevin and Amanda (hohohoho) for making me feel better. :D

Combined was fuuun. I always cheer up a bit when we play Power Rangers. The fast-paced time and rhythm of the song is a good drug for happiness. Listening to emo songs right now doesn't help my mood. It's one of the few songs I actually really really enjoy playing. Not that I don't revel in playing others. Then the recitals were inspiring yet it made me worry. I want to achieve the same thing but yeah, I don't have enough time! I either have library duties or stupid shit stick.

Why do I call it stupid and have such a love-hate relationship with it? Well firstly, I absolutely love the piece for some parts that I'll explain later. Other than that, it's an utter waste of time because wtf, I'm now a Schtick Stick reject and am only standing in for Weixin (WEIXIN COME BACKKKKKKK). And yet, I have to give up the time that I could be practicing my recital with, or packing library scores, to practice and memorise something that I wouldn't even be taking part in! Plus, I have to put in the same amount of effort as everyone else and get dismissed in one or two words because "I'm not really taking part." Memorising the formation steps, the parts, the clashes... Its all fun, but I reap no benefits (except maybe improving my sense of rhythm a bit) from it.

!!! BUT! The most enjoyable parts are obviously the clashing parts where me and Angel start whacking the poles together extremely violently (i was violent today lah) and freaking Sir out and actually breaking the poles. <3 I feel like a man. <3 I mean that in a "I feel strong and powerful" sense, not that uh I want to be a transvesite or something. :\ Empowered! Cheesy, that word is, but it totally suits the occassion. And so my adrenaline and my mood went up then. Further so during dinner.

Now... if you saw me I'd be giving you a sad smile. Why? Information disclosed to only a select few. Thanks for listening. Oh dear, this is starting to sound like some depressing eulogy where I go "thank for for so and so and so". Shudder. I'm a happy person. But we all know that sadly, journals are better to write on when you write all your negative feelings inside. SO STOP SAYING THAT I AM A SAD PERSON O_O

EDIT:

Haha! Was talking to Marianne and she reminded me of a conversation I had with Sir.

Sir: You know, Shermaine told me something very interesting about you!
Me: HUH? WHAT?
Sir: She said that she thinks you actually look very pretty without spex but then I told her why is she telling me this! She should tell you what!
Me: UH!?
Sir: And then she said that she'll tell you.
Me: But she didn't!

HAHAHA WTF!