autumn monologue
Dec. 23rd, 2005 03:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spiderpigAnd sometimes, if not all the time, I get too carried away with being the metaphorical 'big man'.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I forget that not everyone thinks the same way as I do, or finds the same things funny as me.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I don't pay attention to the things the people the matters that evidently are more important, and throw them aside for cheap thrills.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I don't realise that not everyone is seemingly indestructible, inscrutable like others.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I forget what a MCP I am. Worse still, I am a FCP.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I take people for granted.
And All the Time, I disregard people. I dismiss them. I have the ego of a superman and yet close a blind eye to others because of my 'inferiority'.
I guess, no I know, that this is an apology to all my friends who I've hurt and annoyed and basically berate with my callous comments and snide snickers. I've been utter horrible and honest to God, thoughtless.
Nothing I say or do know will erase the fact that I've done so much wrong and simply estranged myself from so many people from the past and present. I was and am not smart, or funny, or clever to say any of those things. Instead, I was being pig-headed, pompous, pretentious and everything I was trying not to be. A Prick. Ironic.
I always try to pretend that I know the answer to everything, the comeback to every remark. But even now, I'm left somewhat speechless. I'm at a loss for words, the same old cliches now come to my rescue. Strange how my mouth once filled with pseudo witticisms are now devoid of anything to say, constructive or not.
Sticks and stones may break my bones and words may never hurt me. Is a downright lie. Whoever made that up was just... well, wrong. No wonder he's dead.
... I can't go back to being what I was trying to be. But I can't be some prissy-assed demure girl who's just really a charlatan in disguise. I'm not changing who I am, in that sense, but I'm... I don't know how to say it. How is changing the same as not changing? How is not changing the same as changing? I am vindictive, I am snide, I am incorrigible. I preach things I don't practice. I'm a liar. I once said that I treat all my friends extremely well. ... Do I? Did I? Then what made me go careening off the track?
Then in contrast, some (very surprisingly!) people say that I'm none of those. Yet I know that they're wrong and this rant is totally skewing away from what I wanted to talk about. The truth is, that I'm really a shallow person and that you all are better off without me. I am not worthy, I am weaksauce. Period. Finito.
I need my map and my compass.
Mr Belgian Man, this is not your place to say anything kthx very much.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I forget that not everyone thinks the same way as I do, or finds the same things funny as me.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I don't pay attention to the things the people the matters that evidently are more important, and throw them aside for cheap thrills.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I don't realise that not everyone is seemingly indestructible, inscrutable like others.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I forget what a MCP I am. Worse still, I am a FCP.
And sometimes, if not all the time, I take people for granted.
And All the Time, I disregard people. I dismiss them. I have the ego of a superman and yet close a blind eye to others because of my 'inferiority'.
I guess, no I know, that this is an apology to all my friends who I've hurt and annoyed and basically berate with my callous comments and snide snickers. I've been utter horrible and honest to God, thoughtless.
Nothing I say or do know will erase the fact that I've done so much wrong and simply estranged myself from so many people from the past and present. I was and am not smart, or funny, or clever to say any of those things. Instead, I was being pig-headed, pompous, pretentious and everything I was trying not to be. A Prick. Ironic.
I always try to pretend that I know the answer to everything, the comeback to every remark. But even now, I'm left somewhat speechless. I'm at a loss for words, the same old cliches now come to my rescue. Strange how my mouth once filled with pseudo witticisms are now devoid of anything to say, constructive or not.
Sticks and stones may break my bones and words may never hurt me. Is a downright lie. Whoever made that up was just... well, wrong. No wonder he's dead.
... I can't go back to being what I was trying to be. But I can't be some prissy-assed demure girl who's just really a charlatan in disguise. I'm not changing who I am, in that sense, but I'm... I don't know how to say it. How is changing the same as not changing? How is not changing the same as changing? I am vindictive, I am snide, I am incorrigible. I preach things I don't practice. I'm a liar. I once said that I treat all my friends extremely well. ... Do I? Did I? Then what made me go careening off the track?
Then in contrast, some (very surprisingly!) people say that I'm none of those. Yet I know that they're wrong and this rant is totally skewing away from what I wanted to talk about. The truth is, that I'm really a shallow person and that you all are better off without me. I am not worthy, I am weaksauce. Period. Finito.
I need my map and my compass.
Mr Belgian Man, this is not your place to say anything kthx very much.
