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it's been a long week
May. 13th, 2007 12:04 amI've been stewing over. Whatever that actually means - I feel like a pot of ingredients being cooked over a slow fire. I wonder if I'm seafood or chicken.
So yes, the weeks past have been hectic, even in my dead end "I-cut-triangular-papers" job. The lovely Labour Day holiday that wasn't, started off with an interesting time in NUS (where I meet the weirdest people, yes you included) and ended up me incapacitated in bed for the whole week. My unsuccessful attempt at going to work only laid me back in bed for another three days.
A week on and I'm still suffering from the after effects of a clogged chest. Not a pretty sight, when I cough like I have TB.
I've lost all the weight I've gained during Japan, and some more, and my appetite has been worse for the wear.
I'm halfway through May and come June, I'm pressing restart on my life and Game Over-ing this current lifestyle.
I admit, I like the constant hours, the fact that there is some sort of security in this repetitive office-hour job. I can go out after work, there is a certainty that I don't have to do sudden OT, I get to sleep and wake up to regular hours.
Yet there are some things that only the crazy job at Borders could give me.
I've lost some things, other than weight, that I'm deathly afraid I cannot get back. I comfort myself that the choices I've been making haven't led be astray so far. I chose to go to CJC instead of VJC, and I have never regretted this decision. I've chosen you, and even though every single day I question why you when I feel as though my heart has been wrenched out, I don't regret ever falling so hard. Hence, whatever I'm doing now, whatever path I'm taking, I should have full confidence in myself.
Which is why I shouldn't regret inane things like me giving up my free tickets to the movie on Wednesday (for more reasons than one). Which is why when I'm in a literary drought, I should know that it's only a temporary block. Which is why I shouldn't question my academic ability. Which is why I shouldn't panic when my (I swear it) best friend has no time for me and seems to be drifting further away from me. I'm being sentimental and overly paranoid but sometimes I think that I was just there. I am convenient.
Reality seems to speak so, but I like to live in my own little world where I file things alphabetically and chronologically, then mess everything up again. I mean, what am I doing with my life? I'm working at a place, where I get affronted by all these lawyer-types which just yell at me "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE ONE" in my face and I still slog here. I'd rather be writing for a magazine or newspaper or anything at all but I'm here cutting paper.
I've been through tumultuous thralls of emotions the past month - deliriously happy to unbearably sad to passionately angry - I feel as though I've been put through VPS a million times over. I'm tired, exhausted, and I've made up my mind. Shan't swallow my words now, I've been taking shit from everyone lately and not speaking up for myself.
Come June, this life is going into Game Over mode. I'm pressing the restart button on this life. I'm leaving my job, I'm going to start writing again - I have a number of ideas for short stories I need to explore, I'm going to start drawing again, I'm going to start singing because I haven't sung to myself in ages - the voice always gets stuck in my throat, I'm going to lurk online 24/7, I'm going to haunt the libraries and curl up every single day and devour books. I'm going to start my life over.
I need to.
I need some other sort of monotony to take my mind off the feeling of dread everytime I open or close my eyes. I need to stop feeling apathetic about everything. I need to start feeling something real again. Something I lost when I returned from Japan. It's as though my life ended when I got off the plane and I surrendered it to the long corridors of the Unicorn Library.
Who's going to read my dreams?
So yes, the weeks past have been hectic, even in my dead end "I-cut-triangular-papers" job. The lovely Labour Day holiday that wasn't, started off with an interesting time in NUS (where I meet the weirdest people, yes you included) and ended up me incapacitated in bed for the whole week. My unsuccessful attempt at going to work only laid me back in bed for another three days.
A week on and I'm still suffering from the after effects of a clogged chest. Not a pretty sight, when I cough like I have TB.
I've lost all the weight I've gained during Japan, and some more, and my appetite has been worse for the wear.
I'm halfway through May and come June, I'm pressing restart on my life and Game Over-ing this current lifestyle.
I admit, I like the constant hours, the fact that there is some sort of security in this repetitive office-hour job. I can go out after work, there is a certainty that I don't have to do sudden OT, I get to sleep and wake up to regular hours.
Yet there are some things that only the crazy job at Borders could give me.
I've lost some things, other than weight, that I'm deathly afraid I cannot get back. I comfort myself that the choices I've been making haven't led be astray so far. I chose to go to CJC instead of VJC, and I have never regretted this decision. I've chosen you, and even though every single day I question why you when I feel as though my heart has been wrenched out, I don't regret ever falling so hard. Hence, whatever I'm doing now, whatever path I'm taking, I should have full confidence in myself.
Which is why I shouldn't regret inane things like me giving up my free tickets to the movie on Wednesday (for more reasons than one). Which is why when I'm in a literary drought, I should know that it's only a temporary block. Which is why I shouldn't question my academic ability. Which is why I shouldn't panic when my (I swear it) best friend has no time for me and seems to be drifting further away from me. I'm being sentimental and overly paranoid but sometimes I think that I was just there. I am convenient.
Reality seems to speak so, but I like to live in my own little world where I file things alphabetically and chronologically, then mess everything up again. I mean, what am I doing with my life? I'm working at a place, where I get affronted by all these lawyer-types which just yell at me "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE ONE" in my face and I still slog here. I'd rather be writing for a magazine or newspaper or anything at all but I'm here cutting paper.
I've been through tumultuous thralls of emotions the past month - deliriously happy to unbearably sad to passionately angry - I feel as though I've been put through VPS a million times over. I'm tired, exhausted, and I've made up my mind. Shan't swallow my words now, I've been taking shit from everyone lately and not speaking up for myself.
Come June, this life is going into Game Over mode. I'm pressing the restart button on this life. I'm leaving my job, I'm going to start writing again - I have a number of ideas for short stories I need to explore, I'm going to start drawing again, I'm going to start singing because I haven't sung to myself in ages - the voice always gets stuck in my throat, I'm going to lurk online 24/7, I'm going to haunt the libraries and curl up every single day and devour books. I'm going to start my life over.
I need to.
I need some other sort of monotony to take my mind off the feeling of dread everytime I open or close my eyes. I need to stop feeling apathetic about everything. I need to start feeling something real again. Something I lost when I returned from Japan. It's as though my life ended when I got off the plane and I surrendered it to the long corridors of the Unicorn Library.
Who's going to read my dreams?
