![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
This way up
Jun. 16th, 2005 02:17 pmHere I am, in all my plain glory. Dressed in my primary school PE T-shirt and my secondary school shorts. Am I supposed to feel relieved that I can still wear them, or just really disgusted that I was such a fat idiot last time?
Things have changed, I'm no longer a fat idiot, I'm a fat bastard.
How cliched this phrase is, "Jack of all trades, master of none". Yet, a cliche is only a cliche because it is (to some extent) true. I don't want it to be true. I want to be some fucking all-rounder who kicks everyone else's ass. Now I'm just struggling to make ends meet. I'll probably be like that for the rest of my life if I don't do something about it now.
I want to love and be loved. I want to write, and be written about. I want to be able to draw like last time. I want to be able to sing like those days before. I want to do complicated mathematical sums. Being good in random topics isn't good enough. I want to be able to speak my own mother tongue well, and not just be able to understand it. I want to be able to understand C++, binary, build my own computer and overclock it. I want to read Shakespeare and Keats, I want to be Shakespeare. I want to learn about History, I want to be History, create it. I want to dream and be dreamt about. I want to improvise on my instrument. I want to quote, and be quoted. I want to give my heart to someone, I want it to be received. I want to be able to cry, be able to feel. I want to appreciate art, music, people. I want to be funny, to be understood. I want to--
I am different, and
I want to be comfortable with myself.
I need to be reprogrammed, re-conditioned because I'm such a re-pulsive re-tard.
How fucking egotistic of me, is it to say and proclaim the emo things like, "I am an enigma. I am a mystery." I am not. I don't even know who I am, what I am. I'm a symbol of society, the mesh of cultures, the melting-pot of certainties that have cast the mould that I am from.
I am a Merlion, I am a Ketupat, I am a pair of blue jeans, I am Confucious, I am Deepavali, I am--
Me.
Things have changed, I'm no longer a fat idiot, I'm a fat bastard.
How cliched this phrase is, "Jack of all trades, master of none". Yet, a cliche is only a cliche because it is (to some extent) true. I don't want it to be true. I want to be some fucking all-rounder who kicks everyone else's ass. Now I'm just struggling to make ends meet. I'll probably be like that for the rest of my life if I don't do something about it now.
I want to love and be loved. I want to write, and be written about. I want to be able to draw like last time. I want to be able to sing like those days before. I want to do complicated mathematical sums. Being good in random topics isn't good enough. I want to be able to speak my own mother tongue well, and not just be able to understand it. I want to be able to understand C++, binary, build my own computer and overclock it. I want to read Shakespeare and Keats, I want to be Shakespeare. I want to learn about History, I want to be History, create it. I want to dream and be dreamt about. I want to improvise on my instrument. I want to quote, and be quoted. I want to give my heart to someone, I want it to be received. I want to be able to cry, be able to feel. I want to appreciate art, music, people. I want to be funny, to be understood. I want to--
I am different, and
I want to be comfortable with myself.
I need to be reprogrammed, re-conditioned because I'm such a re-pulsive re-tard.
How fucking egotistic of me, is it to say and proclaim the emo things like, "I am an enigma. I am a mystery." I am not. I don't even know who I am, what I am. I'm a symbol of society, the mesh of cultures, the melting-pot of certainties that have cast the mould that I am from.
I am a Merlion, I am a Ketupat, I am a pair of blue jeans, I am Confucious, I am Deepavali, I am--
Me.
