Feb. 28th, 2010

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Being more selfish/self-centered/let's forget the 'we' and focus on the 'I' was one of my resolutions for the new year. I've always been concerned for the other party, always worried what others would say or react to things, should I be the most amiable person to reduce conflict, and the list of belittling the self goes on. Doctors would probably say that I have a pathological lack of self-confidence. But that's not true, I just have a general lack of confidence in all things. I find it hard to put my trust in someone, or to wholeheartedly devote time, space and energy to something. It's a world of apathy in my head and to just cross the borders takes too much out of me.

So back to the question. Yes. I don't see the point in 'friendships'.

Now don't get me wrong here. It's not that I don't treasure friends, or don't think that any of my friends as friends. That's far from it. It's just that I don't think that one's life should revolve around a friend, or friends. It is my life and my life alone and I don't want to be controlled by external forces; when things go wrong, I want to blame it on myself, not on so-and-so and who-and-who. Which is why some people don't understand if I can feel nothing when someone stops talking to me, or if I stop talking to someone. It's not "not feeling anything", it's more of "I don't feel the 'proper' amount of emotion that you expect me to feel'.

When people threaten my stability, emotion or otherwise, I just cut them off. Why should I feel terrible because of someone else? Why should I make someone else feel bad if I feel bad because of them? So I don't regret these things. If it endangers my self-esteem, and my faith in the world, then I'm better of without it.

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